“The Talk”

One of my least favorite things about dating was, “the talk.”  You probably know what I am talking about: that moment when the person you are dating says, “can we talk” and then follows that up with the conversation that ends the relationship.  Oftentimes there are assurances that it has nothing to do with you as a person.  Don’t you just love the line: “it’s not you, it’s me.”  Assurances aside “the talk” typically includes at least a few personal observations thrown in and no matter how nice the other person tries to be, it hurts.  Those conversations can lead to all kinds of introspection as well as feelings of guilt, regret, and maybe even despair.

“The talk” was one of my least favorite things about dating and nobody told me that as a pastor, I would get to have those kinds of “talks” whenever someone left our church.  You know what I mean: that moment when someone from our congregation says, “can we talk?”  Then they give the church version of the line: “it’s not you, it’s me.”  I appreciate the importance of a good “exit interview” and I am thankful when people don’t just disappear, but those “talks” are hard.  No matter how much they assure us it is not about us, deep down we still feel responsible.  We wonder what we could have done differently, and we grieve over what it means for our congregation.

Sometimes when people leave our church it is healthy or good.  There are also times when people leave because there is something unhealthy going on in our church.  In those cases, “the talk” is actually very important because it may shine some light on areas that need to change.  But what I am really addressing is when someone is simply choosing to go somewhere else.  It may truly be what is best for them, but it still hurts. This is especially true when that person is a key part of our ministry.  We can’t help but have uncertainty over the impact this will have on the spiritual, emotional, and financial life of the church.  There are very real ramifications when someone leaves.

So, we grow to dread, “the talk.”  From one pastor to another, let me just say that I feel your pain.  I have had that “talk” with many people over the years.  In fact, someone from my congregation just had “the talk” with me this past week.  He even looked at me with those sad eyes of pity and said a variation of “it’s not you, it’s me.”  Down deep I know this is the right thing for him.  He is in a stage of life that lacks community at our church and due to other factors it makes sense for him to be in a different place right now.  I don’t begrudge him for this move, but it still hurts.  He has been instrumental in the ministry of our church and has a voice and a presence that will be missed. 

After our “talk” my mind was distracted about what this would mean for our congregation.  Internally, I was processing what had gone wrong, but thankfully, God helped me handle our time together graciously.  We talked about his transition, who might be able to step into the roles he would be leaving, and we even processed about what was next for him.  I also assured him that we had been friends before he ever came to The River and we would continue to be friends after he left.  Down deep I understand why he is leaving and believe it is the right thing for him, but you and I both know that it still hurts. 

I guess the point of this article is to let you know that these feelings of grief and uncertainty over “the talk” are natural.  Actually, believe it or not, the feelings are even healthy.  God has made us shepherds and has called us to love and care for the sheep he gives us.  And when one of them leaves, even for good reasons, it is a good thing that it hurts.  It shouldn’t be easy.  It is okay to feel that loss and grieve.  And it is okay to be uncertain about what this means for the rest of the flock. 

But it is also good for us to trust our Good Shepherd to carry the burden of what comes next. I think my natural tendency after having “the talk” is to feel the weight of the church upon my shoulders.  My mind naturally moves on to what I need to do to make things work out.  But that is not really my load to carry.  This isn’t my church; it is the Lord’s church.  These are his sheep, not mine, and he is fully capable of filling any hole that a sheep leaves behind when they move on.  As I look forward to what this means for my church, I have grief.  I will miss this person, and our congregation will miss them as well.  I also have uncertainty.  I don’t know how it is all going to work out, how it will impact our finances, or who will fill the roles that are left behind.  Those feelings of grief and uncertainty are real, but the burden of fixing all of it does not rest on my shoulders. 

I guess that is what I want to remind myself and us today.  God has graciously given us positions to shepherd his flock.  Let’s keep that emphasis where it belongs.  The flock belongs to him.  He is fully capable of carrying the weight of all that that means.  We can trust in him.  Let’s let him carry that burden and let him work through us as he sees fit to shepherd those he gives us today.

Rob Mapstone

Director of Recruitment and Placement